Crash Course in Skate Photography Chapter 2

Crash Course in Brain Surgery Skate Photography.

By Sebastião Belfort Cerqueira

Chapter 2 – The Fisheye

Much has been said and written, by scholars and laymen alike, on the origins of the fisheye, skate photographers’ favourite lens. Still, to this date, no skate historian has treated this fascinating subject with the care and scientific depth it deserves. An unfortunate state of affairs which is, however, about to change. Dear students, brace your little selves, for we shall be needing to get quite academic with this one.

So this fish was coming home one day, some sources indicate he was coming back from shopping, some from an AA meeting, there are conflicting versions on this point that we should take care not to get sidetracked by just now. Anyway, the fish was coming home and spots some kids skating the curb cut in front of his house. He presents them with the customary warning “Hey, you kids better scram or I’m a call the cops” and goes inside. Nothing fishy about that. So the scaly dude jumps inside his fishbowl, maybe he took a little bite of one of those nasty, foul-smelling, dried shrimps that were floating around, and he moves his bowl closer to the window, in order to check on those skate punks. He draws the curtain open just a little bit, sees the kids are still there, and is about to reach for the phone when his mind is blown away and his world is properly rocked. One of the kids went up to the curb cut and did one of those early nineties rocket double flips that rose about 1.5 inches (3.81 centimetres) off the ground, which, from inside the bowl, looked like he was flying through the air for miles and miles.

The fish recovers himself. Now he’s seen the light, he is no longer a square in a round world, and he rushes out of the house, his fishbowl under his arm, to spread the gospel. The kids see him waving madly at them and immediately make a dash for it, so now he’s chasing them down the street screaming “wait up, I’m hip, I’m no square, I’m alert, I’m awake, I’m aware!” and “baby, can’t you see, you and me got a groovy kind of love!”, what some specialists have described as “straight nutter stuff”. Anyhow, the kids realize he means no harm and let him drag them back to the curb cut because he says there’s something they gotta see. He picks one of the kids and tries to shove his fishbowl down the little brat’s head. The kid is like “let go of me, Wanda, that thing smells” so the fish calms down and tells him “look, kid, have you ever tried drugs?” “What do you mean have I ever tried drugs? I’m ten years old!” “Then just put your head inside this thing!”, which made no sense whatsoever, but somehow sounded convincing enough to the kid, who might have been just stupid.

The climactic scene consists of a ten year old kid with his head inside a fishbowl, lying down on the sidewalk, while his friend does a chinese nollie off of a little crack in the ground that looks to him like he’s nollieing over the Golden Gate Bridge. His head just explodes, the fishbowl explodes, the whole damn city explodes and the rest, dear pupils, is history. So was this, by the way. But who cares? Until we meet again on the bumpy road to internet knowledge, keep tipping those fish scales, whatever that might mean...

Photo by Johan Van Esbroeck. Check out more of his stuff here.

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